Being Bi

<center><table width="50%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="20%" bgcolor="magenta">&nbsp;</td><td width="20%" bgcolor="magenta">&nbsp;</td><td width="10%" bgcolor="purple">&nbsp;</td><td width="10%" bgcolor="purple">&nbsp;</td><td width="20%" bgcolor="blue">&nbsp;</td><td width="20%" bgcolor="blue">&nbsp;</td></tr><tr><td colspan="6" align="center"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/jjlucido/151873.html">Bisexuality is Real.</a></td></tr></table></center>

...um...here's me borrowing this from sistahraven because I've found out as of a few days ago that i'm bi...so...questions, comments, concerns?....w/e yall think i'd love to hear cause i am so totally confused about this it's not even worth thinking about at the mo.

here's a quick summary:

[upon hearing me say, shortened, 'what d'you think about bi people?']

my brother matt: *jumps to conclusions...the right conclusion* you'll be much much happier if you're not bi. [me: uhh why?] because you'll be happier. your life will be better [me: O_o]

my best friend, who's openly gay: omg r u freaking serious? you're not just saying that, right? cause all bi's are posers. they're not hardcore enough to be actually gay and they just use it as a fake thing to get attention and pretend to be gay to be different *scoffs* [me: uh i meant...im bi] *blinks and pauses for like a minute* wait no way. nooo way kat. seriously? but you're...you're... [me: you're gay. why are you so upset? i thought you of all people would understand me! *is crestfallen*] *blinks* but...its....[me: its what?] *sighs* it's just different. that's all. [me: *tries not to cry*  you're being an idiot ] *blinks again* my god im so sorry kat *hugs* [me: *cries into shoulder*] im sorry i shouted and i didnt know...everyone that's gay thinks that bi's are...are..lesser than them... 

steve: *sensing somehow that i was devestated*  aww what's the matter? [me asking him what he thinks about if i maybe admitted that i might b bi] well if that's what you want, then that's cool with me...[me: *is too preoccupied with being upset about what my friend and matt said to pay him much mind*] 

so yeah..I also talked for awhile to with the husband of a friend, who's been an amazing help
but if anyone has any other suggestions, that would be a great help

much love to all,
kat

In Memorial: Chloe

My friend chloe didn't make it out of the coma she'd slipped into after being in a car wreck. 

Her brother just called me and told me. He was with her all night as things got worse.

I've known chloe since the 5th grade, since we moved down to texas. we had planned to go through the art program at our high school together, and all sorts of things. She has always been always better at sculpting than me. I prefer painting and drawing. She's a Play Doh nerd. she has an icon that said that, we made it.
She had the icon, i guess. 

I don't know what to do and don't have anyone to talk to, really. Matt's at work and will be all day.

I feel numb and cold and like i'll never be cheerful again

i dont know what to do

(no subject)

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've existed, on here...Everything's been going well, pretty much . well, before just really recently. famous last words, i guess.....
So to catch up anyone who bothers to read this, Steve took Matt and I on vacation to this house in the Bahamas that his friend owns, and we stayed there for about a week. 

I came back nicely tanned and really happy. Matt totally came out of his shell (which i think is a total stupid cliche usually, but in this case it's really exactly what happened). He took me snorkeling and we saw a ton of great fish and turtles and all sorts of stuff. He showed me how to build a sandcastle justttt right and it was the most fun I've ever had with him. it was also the first time in a recent memory that i've seen him laugh and be embarrassed and just enjoy himself and the fact that he's a person and is allowed to enjoy himself.

steve came back and hasn't, up until yesterday, said a single word to me. We've been back a week, now

Let me clear this up, though. Just so no one's confused. (more like so I"m not confusing myself)

Before, when i would make dinner or clean up or that sort of thing, steve would be cordial to me. polite enough, but never overboard. He would say "thank you" and "this looks delicious" when i would cook something that didn't look like it was going to do more harm than good and say "i really appreciate what you're doing" and "thanks a mil, kat" when he would come home, dead tired, and see that i'd cleaned the house top to bottom. 
he's like that for most of the time. pretty much all the time 'cept for when he drinks too much and lets his proverbial "mr hyde" out.

But after vacation, he doesn't even look at me. Not even a  little, like to see if I'm in the room or anything. He avoids me like the plague and doesn't acknowledge me at all. 

Now, you'd say, well gee kat that's a good thing. He's a wacko that abuses u and ur brother. u should b glad that he's ignoring u. *nods slowly at how stupid kat is being*

but it's not just that he's ignoring me. It's the way he does it. (yes. there's different ways to ignore someone. maybe you know what im talking about and maybe you dont but if you dont then trust me there is.) he's hesitant around me, overly careful, cautious. He doesn't smirk at any of the jokes i make when i get nervous but he just looks around like he's not sure if he's allowed to. He tucks into his food so that i know that i like it and i can tell that he wants to say thank you because he'll look up at something near me but then something reminds him, that for some wierdo reason he's keeping to himself, that he's not worthy to speak to me or some stupid thing. 

It took me a few days to recognise that he's sorry.

For what he's done, what he's said, and that he's hur t us

i know, i know. it sounds like me being naive and idealistic. I certainly want thim to be sorry, dont i?
but i really think that he is, genuinely, sorry

it's crazy and i think it's in my nature but i really really think it's the truth. like, not just what-i'd-like-to-believe the truth, but -what's-really-happening the truth

well matt says its for the better. he says that if steve wants to ignore me that i should be grateful an not think too much, for chrissakes. he obviously wouldnt believe my theory, so i didnt bother telling him. I dont fancy being told im naive and idealistic and too trusting if i can help it, especially fromsomeone as cynical as my brother

so yesterday, erm last night i guess it would've been, i was reading this book (it's called
spy by nature and it's really good) i bought yesterday at borders (where i had to go to get my summer reading books) and i hear someone talking at the other side of the house. (our house is usually really really quiet, and you can hear anything that's going on from one end to the other)

matt was out doing something or other with someone and steve had gone to bed early-ish b/c he'd had a long day and so i was fairly spooked. (quiet houses are bad enough, much less quiet houses with random people talking. i watch horror movies, thanks)

so i got up and went to go and check, wondering if i should grab the bat that's always by the garage door (idk how it got there but it's been there for a really long time. i guess no one's wanted to put it up cause it's like some charm to keep people from having to use it against an intruder) and wishing that i hadn't spent the last few hours reading a thriller about this double-double crossing spy-in-training (my book i mentioned earlier. it's absolutely fantastic, but not too good for someone's paranoia late at night in a previously empty house with creaky floorboards)

so i went through the house and realised the talking sounded like a one-sided conversation coming from steve's room. I knew the tv wasn't on because for 1, he wouldn't have ever turned it on that loud, and if he had, i'd hear more tv noises, and the entire conversation, for that matter. this sounded a bit like steve was on the phone, maybe. but with who? and why was steve talking so loud?

"Go away!" he yelled and im not gonna lie, i jumped a good few feet back from the door that i'd been walking to.

I nodded and began to say "Sorry to interrupt, just wanted to make sure there wasn't anyone else in the house" but i really didn't get very far at all. steve kept talking, right over me, like he couldn't hear me at all.

"Leave them alone! Leave us all alone, why don't you?" This was just as loud as before, but raspier, some how. I heard  a creaking noise and it sounded like he was jumping around on his bed.

It took me alot longer than it should have, by all logic, for me to finally realise that he was having a nightmare.

"Steve?" I said quietly, and i pushed the not-quite-closed door open with my foot, quite expecting to have something thrown at me and ready to duck at a split second's notice. He didn't say anything so i walked into the room a step or two.

He was sitting half up in his bed, and had pushed all the blankets, sheets and pillows off onto a mess on the floor at the foot of the bed. He didn't seem to hear me but some part of him had recognised that someone had come into the room.

"Please" He said, whispering now. "Just go away"

Idk if you know or not, but it was the strangest thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life, hearing my own words echoed on his lips. (that sounds gross and poetic and trite, but i swear....it gave me chills then and is making me shiver now)

I shook my head, recalling at once how i would help bring matt out of nightmare spells he used to have when we were younger. "It's just me," I told him in my softest, kindest voice. "Just Kat"

"Kat?" He croaked, his voice very hoarse now. He sounded terrified.

I swallowed my own apprehension. I didn't like him sounding so scared, didnt like to think what-who- had him so terrified. 

"You need to run" He told me in an urgent whisper, slumping suddenly back onto the bed and curling himself into a tight ball.

All i could think was that here he was, this sick perverted man that had hurt me and my brother, reduced to nightmares for some equally horrible person that continued to haunt him (ok maybe i didnt think those words exactly. but you get my point)

I walked over to him and (dont ask me why b/c i wont have an answer) sat down, rubbing his shoulder like i would do for matt. I told him that we didn't have to run, that he was all gone and not going to hurt us. 

He said something i didnt catch (he was facing away from me and rolled a little more in my direction. He said something else that i also didn't catch but it sounded a little like a question, so i repeated my assurances that we were in our house on bunker hill (lol yes, that's our street name) and there was no one else in the house but us.

He nodded a little, ( i guess. idk exactly what it was other than a half-sort of done affirming gesture) and said something that i think was "thanks" and fell asleep. 

Idk how long i sat there, just watching him, unable to believe what had just happened even though i was still sitting next to him.

After who knows how long, i went into my room, changed into my pj's, and got into bed. I heard matt come in some time later, and move my door a little more open and when he saw that i was in bed and still, he figured i was asleep, and after about 45 minutes of his little pre bed-routine, he went to bed and was, just like him, very soon asleep.

There's so many questions I have I don't think I'll be able to put them all up right now (i'm sure i look like i got run overby a train. i didnt sleep well, when i finally fell asleep. i had dreams of who steve was so afraid of and meeting this new kid at school when it starts called steve who acts and looks just like a mini-version of my dad and it was horrible b/c he was so nice and then it waslike watching a cheesy animation sequence about how that happy kid who was in my math class turning, slowly and excruciatingly, over time, into steve, my dad now.)  but maybe later. in the mean time, thank you for reading and any input would be beyond amazing
 

(no subject)

!!!

omg i love doing stuff like this!!!!

R O G  B I V 

A D J R F U H B K V O M I N X
 


yay!!

<33333 -kat

...and take care, you too. be careful and may the Force be with you.
 

oh not really it's just a matter of memorising what you're supposed to memorise. like Green is pretty green but red isnt very red but you get by, i guess? idk. i dont remember it being much of any sort of big deal. 
thanks for the questions, too! they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 
*hugs* and you take care of you!


Jack

J A C K

great huh? i happen to think so. 

well cheers and here ya go!

oh and i have no idea why it makes a red streak and spray-paint like dots etc etc. best that i've been able to figure, it just has to do with the way that the colours combine when i read them (b/c up there is just the colours of the letters. when they're together to make your name, for example, they blend together like i explained to you) and which letters are "more dominant" ie show up more distinctly ("louder", i think of it) than others. 

hope that makes sense and if not ask! 

cheers--and <33333 -kat

(no subject)


sorry. just had this convo on aim w/ my friend and i wanted to put it here. just to see what would happen

no...well i remember having a bruise on my neck but idk if it was actually there. my throat and jaw hurt.  and roger's sister, our "aunt" was in the hospital and one of her nurses was really nice to me (another was creepy) and he was talking to me about everything and explaining things and he was like wow we need more youngsters like you! haha *pats head and gives sticker*  and i moved away before he could touch me anymore caus ei was sore and he was like uh...oh wait a second there... Kat, right? hang on.
: ....and he went to go and get a flash light and he shined it in my eyes, it was really bright, right there in my auntie's room  and he was like who did u say u live w/ ? and i was like Rroger...and he was like wait this isnt your mother? and i was like no i wish! i guess too loudly cause he was like ok well im gonna go and get something i'll be right back you stay  here, ok? dont leave til i come back and so i stayed. he was really nice and smart and i thought that he could help us.  he seemed realy nice and he wanted to, so i waited and hid when roger came in looking for me (matt was gone. staying in theroom made him depressed) and when Nathan came back i was still hiding cause it was loud and i didnt kno if roger had gone or not or who that was and he was like fuck! and then i came out cause i knew by his voice it was him and he covered his mouth and was like im sorry! i thought you'd gone!!! and so i just looked at him and said (tried to say. this is what i mean but idk what actually came out) why would it be such a big thing? we're here allot and he crouched down so he was looking at me and was like yeah, but here's the thing, kat, i think we need to get you—then roger came in, interrupted----of course you're very right, son. she looks dead tired, doesnt she? yes, its very sad. she was always very attached to my sister, and now...its such a shame. I'd say all day has just worn her out. and, of course, not being the centre of attention probably wore her out too *chuckles* so nathan was like *frowns* um actually mr ____ (sry im paranoid), i was wondering the last time you had kat in for a uh checkup? and roger glared at him and was like son, she has regular checkups with her qualified pediatrician. in that are you doubting me or her doctor u lowly nurse sort of voice that's scared off biggerand more important ppl than nathan the nurse and nathan was just like well SIR i was j/w b/c she seems to have some rather recent injuries. i was wondering if she's had them checked out? roger: *deathglares* are you insinuating that i dotn take care of my children, son? : nathan: *cooly* sometimes injuries go unnoticed with children, and ive met yourson also. with two bright kids like these, its understandble how...something might have been overlooked, during a soccer game or hockey match.... so long story short b/c i feel ike im boring u nathan tried really really hard but roger knew two of the higher up doctors and nathan got fired and then got into a car crash and we left and i got into a whole lot of trouble

(no subject)

"Either you fuck her, or i'll make her wish you had"

this is the choice steve put to matt at about 2:30 this morning

steve mustve woken up and realized, oh wow i havent made kat want to crawl into a hole and die lately...maybe I should fix that!

he called matt and i into the living room and had a gun in his hand, his .45. he put it under matt's chin and told him that, but i could still hear him. i figured matt wouldnt. figured he'd act the way he always did. just brush steve off with some derrisive, smart-ass comment. it usually worked out great for him, cause he wanted someone to push back, he pushed and wanted someone to push back. and steve would. and they'd get all their tesosterone out and they'd both be, in some sick way, oddly satisfied. no kat required. but i guess something changed, cause when matt gave his usual "go fuck a tree, dickhead", steve just laughed and pushed the gun under his chin harder, and after a second i realized that matt was on his tiptoes and choking

maybe stupidly, i yelled at steve to stop it! he was hurting him

steve moved away the gun and grabbed matt and kept him up when he stumbled and fell towards him, coughing and sputtering

so now matt was looking at me, and i knew he'd do what steve told him to. he knew that if he didnt, steve would make it much, much worse. 

stupidly, the first thing i thought of when i realized that was in Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest, when Will's dad choses to whip him instead of the other guy, so will didnt get any more hurt...he was doing it to help him, but to will he was still getting lashes so what'd it matter?

then steve said, go on matt, and made a little pushing gesture towards me, and he told me to lie down on the ground

i did, wondering (again, stupidly, it seems, in retrospect) where steve came up w/ this idea. it wasnt a very steve-ish idea. he was a i'll-hit-you-when-you-mouth-off-and-you-wont-mouth-off-again-and-we'll-go-on-with-our-lives kind of guy. this was way too sadistic-voyeristic-over-the-top-REVOLTING for him. it was something i would have expected from roger (me and matt's adoptive father before steve),not steve. what was going on? suddenly, i thought maybe i was dreaming? wouldnt that be nice and then i realized that my eyes were closed. wow omg i might actually be dreaming...? nope. i opened my eyes and matt was standing above me, looking like he wanted to either cry or turn green and into the Hulk and kill steve right there on the spot. as much as i really really wished it would be the second, i didnt think matt was going to be turning green anytime soon. green really isnt his colour

go on, matt, steve said, guesturing with the gun this time. matt grit his teeth and ground them together and got on his knees beside me. steve sighed and whacked matt in the back of the head with the gun faster than i'd seen him move in awhile and matt, as surprised as i was, fell onto me. unable to breathe for a second, i gasped a little and just as fast, he got up so he was over me on his hands and knees, a hand on either side of my head, holding him up. his knees were on either side of my legs (cause matt's got about a foot on me. he's just about taller than steve, but steve's alot bigger than him, steve being overweight and muscley and matt being on the skinnier side and tending to slouch a little) 

steve crouched down next to me and told matt to kiss me

matt didnt move and i swear that my heart stopped...or at least skipped

steve sighed again, much louder this time, and said listen matt this is not complicated. you either kiss her, or move the hell out of my way

so i guess it came back to the Pirates thing, cause (good thing he's good at pushups otherwise he might of squished me) matt leant close to me (i closed my eyes so idk what his expression was) and he kissed me. (and i use the word lightly. his lips touched mine) 

we were both breathing so hard and so scared that im surprised it even counted. i could feel matts arms shaking and he was close enough that i could hear his heart. it was going just about as fast as mine was

steve laghed a little and i felt him patt matt on the back cause matt bent towards me a little and i dont blame him for that at all. id take matt over steve any day.  i opened my eyes and matt looked ready to kill someone. i held out that maybe he would get up and kill steve.

[but would i? grief this has brought so many questions with it i dont even want to deal with them now. i'll focus on getting out the story then maybe we'll go from there?]

steve said enjoyed that did ya? matt growled a little and steve said well you'd better've cause that was the worst "kiss" that ive ever seen. gimme a better one. and he made a little camera w/ his hands

matt was shaking now, but i dont/didnt think it was out of excess of the same emotion that was making me shake. i was afraid and i think that matt was angry. like really freaking angry. like i'll do whatever just to get this over with so i can fucking kill you angry

which didnt help my fear ANY

matt said sorry really quietly and leaned closer to me and i could hardly close my eyes fast enough before his mouth was on mine. after i have no idea how long (couldve been an hour, couldve been thirty seconds. it felt like at least half an hour, but hello when have i ever been any good at keeping my head in situations like this???) matt pulled away and inhaled through his nose and mouth and i opened my eyes and looked right at him. maybe i could suddenly have laser vision and i could melt him a little. that was totally uncalled for. i dont care how mad he was or what he was trying to protect me from that was so totally not cool

steve patted matt on the back again and said there ya go mattie (ugh he calls him that sometimes. it drives matt as crazy as it does me but he'd never say anything about it so i have to and i usually do cause its sooo annoying!!!!) enjoyed that one, did ya?

matt didnt say anything, and he looked troubled, like he couldnt make up his mind. certainly not the vehement no way you fucking perverted mother fucking...yeah you get the picture yeah none of that

i wasnt sure why at the time, (altho i think i have a pretty good idea why now) but it seemed odd, steve's expression and voice combined with this look on matt's face i really wasnt used to seeing on his face

indesicion 

Sounding suddenly like  Emperor Palpatine on crack, steve was like very good. so go a bit further...go with it, you know you've always wanted to...

me: *thinks* so who said that this would be less hurtful than what steve might do? at least i hate him. but w/ matt...? shitshitshitshitshit

So for about the next hour, matt went on to follow steve's instructions, but for what reason(s), i dont know

the instructions themselves were, well...sucky, actually. pretty much they just got worse from there but i'll spare anyone that's actually had the stomach to read thru all this so far and not continue the way i hav cause im about to make myself sick (again) so basically it got worse from kissing my mouth to kissing anything above my waist steve could think of to being fingered to oral to actual sex [and is that what it was? or was it rape? arghhhh im sooooooooooooooo confused. the words i have are completely inadequate to describe how confusing (and angry,actually) this makes me] and a couple other things that steve thought of that i dont even know a name for, G-d forbid if they actually have a name so someone had to come up w/ them and they've happened to other ppl

aaahhh

 i hate this!!!!!!!!!!

not just for the no fucking shit reasons either


i mean, so how in the hell does this square with everything else?

gahhhhh

you know whats actually equal parts ridiculously sad and hilariously funny?
im so bothered by all the questions that this brought up that the emotional part  of it hasnt really hit me yet. im hoping, maybe, by that definition, that if i just stick to the logical then the emotional part will never hurt. i highly doubt it, but even so. it never hurts to hope?

Ok. so here are some of the more immediate questions that i hav

1) what in the hell was what matt did? rape? sex? shrapex? not even kidding. usually, that would be my Grade A Sarcasm kicking in. But now? Christ, i have no idea!!!!!!
2) so why did matt do that? seriously what did he think could have been worse? he left early this morning and hasnt been home since, and quite frankly, im glad. i'm gonna tear him a freaking new one when he gets back. i hope he hits me or shows some sort of emotion cause if he doesnt i'll be even madder. he'd better not just sweep this under his litttle "Rug Under Which I Hide All My Feelings" cause i cant  do that and this concerns both of us, but really this time
3) where in the fucking hell did steve come up with that? seriously, it's horrible. whoever came up with it should be shot. taken out back and shot. in the face. with a .45. by the person they trust most in the entire world. arghhhhhhhh
4) why did steve do that? he's never been into the whole "woo i get off watching kat and matt suffer" thing. roger sure as fuck was, but he told us that! with his whole "well kids, im studying the affects of fear and pain on people. would you like to be the subjects for my child study?" yeah we got that. but why steve? he's a lawyer for G-d's sake. he's never been into anythinglike that. ever. at all. so why start now? christ well its quite the intro into the whole field, i gotta hand that at least to him. gahh
5) what was matt thinking? why did he do that? how could he? on some level, the level on which i still consider myself to be very young, i think this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. matt hurt me. why did he do that? what did i do wrong? does he hate me? should i hate him? but its matt. but he hurt me. but steve made him. steve threatened him. but did he have to? why did he?
yeah you can see where that (^) would get me. absolutely NOwhere

so yeah. there it is and here's me officially going to take some more painkillers for my headache and my general mind and body ache
*curses at world and becomes resigned to moving to live on mars* maybe the martians are nicer

Guilt

guilt.  it stinks. bad

but i guess im not as emotionless as i thought i was cause its been eating at me and so now i have to do something about it

I've made it out to be like im 12 years old. 

im not. im a 15 year old girl who has a speech impediment that has led the powers that be to believe that she has the mental capacity of a 12 year old.

I guess, coming here, I felt like i wasnt good enough to say that i was 15, because everyone around me treats me like im 12 because im small and slight and not developed for my age and retarded, apparently.

no, they dont say that. not to my face, anyways...most times....

I'm very sorry to everyone i led awry and i will understand completely if anyone wants to de friend me because of this.  i should have said it earlier but i didnt think that...well...that i deserved to be called 15...

anyways. everythinng else is the truth. art, matt, steve,roxie, alex......

<3 to everyone who's listened so far and *hugs* im sorry if i hurt anyone
-kat

WE INTERRUPT THIS LJ TO BRING YOU A PUBLIC SERVICE WORK OF FICTION

Just something I've been tinkering with. 
If youve been reading my posts/comments or have read any at all some things might seem familiar, but i promise this is just a work of (my) fiction and any...aah what do they say on law and order? "any similiarties between any real persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental"
sure. we'll go with that
((Reviews loved b/c id rather retype this up here instead of talk about whats been going on lately and why ive been off this past weekend))


__________________________
[title desperately needed. im HORRIBLE with titles]

*
He watched her as she walked out her apartment door at exactly 7:33, turned back to lock it. She was walking down Turnbau Street and had hit the intersection at Maine at exactly 7:35. She faced down Maine Street, going left, re-adjusting her khaki bag on her shoulder. 
He knew she had all of her art supplies in her bag, ready for the day's work. In the middle pocket she had her tablet, a plastic bag held her pencils, a legal pad where she took notes and a bottle of water and an apple, orange, or a banana, depending on which she had decided to chose earlier that morning. Her lunch. 
When the light changed and the signal came on, she walked across the intersection onto Maine Street.
He was careful to stay back, keeping half a dozen anonymous people between her and himself. He'd become very good at doing this and she hadn't noticed him yet. It had been two weeks.
He followed her down the street, noting her choice of clothes this morning.
She'd chosen to go with the brown pants instead of the black ones he preferred and had picked a white silky top to match (his favourite) and had worn her long chocolate coloured hair down. He watched the curls, still damp from her morning shower, bounce up and down as she walked, and smiled as he saw that her small limp on her left leg was gone. He moved around an impossibly slow woman in front of him so he could get a better look at her feet.
A pair of brown Birkenstocks, and he could just make out an insert in her left shoe, levelling out her limp caused by uneven hips.
He checked his watch. 
7:44
He hung back at his usual spot, just around the corner from where she worked. Grabbed a newspaper from a nearby vendor, leant against the wall and counted down the seconds. 
She walked up the steps to the Police Station and opened the door at exactly 7:45 by both of their watches. 
*

so what'd u think???
i'd love to hear
-kat